I’m one of those moms.

I don’t understand how come I got kids. I don’t really feel like a “mom” (some days I actually flinch at the word) and most days I wonder where these little people came from, how they got here, and what they’re doing in my house.

And I have Cosmic support for this confusion, my astrological chart proves it.

“You have kids?” Pleasantly confused and a little bit dumbfounded, my astrologer peers into my chart. Her eyes dart around the symbols, chasing concentric circles, searching for a secret message to untangle.

“Yeah. There’s one right there.” I glanced at the 4-year old watching iTunes movie trailers on my iPhone. She is the only other person in the room.

“‘Cause there’s nothing in your chart about being a mom.” She looked again. “Huh.” And looked again. I let her look in silence. I am defenseless, empty. “You have the two girls?”

“And the 2-year old boy, so three.”

She laughed. A bit too loud. “Ok.” Then she nodded slowly.  “I guess you’re making it work.”

But I’m not.

My secret is out: I shouldn’t have kids.

I don’t have a mothering gene in me. Sure I can make dinner and bandage boo-boos but beyond that, they’re on their own. I have no patience for whining. I thrive in deep discussions with a rational, self-aware person who can pour without spilling. I help grown-ups co-create possibilities with lighthearted optimism. But not so much these days.

These days, I live in constant conflict. I want to raise responsible contributors to a peaceful and loving society, but I kinda don’t give a shit. I’m trying to balance my “God-blessed” right to have babies with my own self-centered and spiritual need to be free of all encumbrances. My need to design and control and plan and strategize every moment is continuously upended by divine spontaneous cuteness. Fucking cuteness.

My ultimate goal is to find a way to Have It All – not the Work-Family-Yoga Have It All, but the Me-You-Us Have It All. In fact, if I can’t find this, create this, discover this, motherhood could actually be my suicide note. I don’t want it to be, of course! I’d love to live happily ever after with happy, little people and their spills. Let’s see what I can do. I can do this. I will rock this.

I, ________, officially do declare that I can Have It All. Or, at least I’ll die trying.